One thing that a cancer diagnosis is really good at is stealing your motivation.
It fills your head with a billion and two possibilities and manages to ensure that none of them are good.
It steals your sleep.
It takes everything pleasant about your normal days and paints them black and white and awful.
It grows mundane worries into towering monsters.
It hates distractions.
It hates being ignored.
It refuses to be denied.
…And this comes from someone who, up until recently, was so in touch with denial-
*wait for it*
– she was nearly an Egyptian citizen.
Seriously though? Jokes aside? Cancer is just as scary as 9 out of 10 movie monsters you see in theatres…and that goes for EVERYBODY around it. It scares the host, it scares their family, their friends…
It’s the boogieman, plain and simple. It doesn’t matter if he’s in the closet or under your bed or in the attic or a million miles away in outer space… Once you hear from an expert that the boogieman is hunting YOU or someone you love, it’s hard to think about much else.
Good news though!
Waiting is one of the hardest part and waiting ends.
The boogeyman is a liar and wears a rubber mask.
Simon and Garfunkel were right; no man is an island.
…and motivation is a hard beast to kill indeed.
I guess at this point, it behooves me to introduce myself before I lose you in another convoluted analogy.
Hi~! ^-^ /
My nom de plume is Remy and I love to write, play video games, and pay the bills by teaching swim lessons.
Lately, I’ve been fortunate enough to land a position reporting on anime conventions for SpaceGypsies.com. For the first time ever, I’ve been able to attend some of my favorite events as “press”!
It’s a step closer to my dream of finally becoming a “writer”– someone with the ability to capture other people’s imaginations with the product of their own.
I’m a linguaphile, can be incredibly silly, and, despite my love of dark concepts and humor, generally have a pretty sunny outlook. (At least I like to think so!)
I have great faith, a wonderful family, rewarding work, amazing friends, and two pets that mewl and came with a box for poo.
I also happen to have recently been diagnosed with cancer.
I just got through my first session of ABVD chemotherapy and it’s only now, on day 4 of treatment, that I have the motivation and ability to begin this journal.
It’s mostly selfish.
Writing is a coping mechanism for me, and I am still scared as hell.
The author is never the victim…
(…except in Stranger than Fiction and Misery…and ….sort…of in Secret Window, Secret Garden? Actually King tends to make authors the antagonists, but I digress. Another topic for another time.)
…and thinking through a keyboard puts me in a different state of mind.
However, as green as I am to all of this, and selfish reasons aside- I would feel better if these words helped.
If they help someone understand what a loved one is going through.
If they help someone approach treatment with a better idea of what to expect.
If my ridiculousness can help produce a smile in a dark time.
I have already found SO much comfort in the experience and knowledge of others myself, and can only offer my best as I’m still a newbie myself.
I’m no doctor. I’m no example. I’m no worst case or best case or expert or veteran. All I can promise is honesty and an effort to check my sources when source checking is involved.
I’m just me, wannabe writer Remyelle, and I have cancer–lymphoma to be exact.
Actually, to say “lymphoma” is not exact by any means, but we can get to that in a minute.